How many times have you attended an event strictly to hear the speaker or a panel of speakers? These speakers might be experts in your area of interest or big names at big companies. They are successful and you want to get just a little bit of insight from their brilliant minds. So you will pay to hear them speak. And yet you find yourself drifting off during their presentation, wondering if you remembered to feed the dog or thinking that the meal you were just served was definitely not worth the money. All of a sudden, you snap back to reality and realize you probably just missed some key piece of advice that was sure to make a difference in your life! So you sit up straighter; you focus on the speaker…and you notice his tie is crooked. And your dog is probably eating the furniture because she is so hungry.

Why are smart people so boring? If you have an opportunity to get to know them, you will realize they are not really boring. They are sharp, interesting, and occasionally think about the same things you do. They simply have not invested any time or energy into cultivating good presentation skills. Their priority is running a business, inventing world-changing ideas, and making a lot of money. So speaker after speaker, you hear them stumble over their words, read power point slides or notes, speak in a monotone voice, and either stand stiff as a board or pace back and forth so fast you feel like you are watching a game of ping-pong. And for goodness’ sake, give us an occasional laugh! Please.

There are exceptions to this stereotype, of course. Edward Tufte is one. Extremely intellectual, he draws a big crowd to his presentations on Informational Design, and you experience both an education and entertainment. Now if there was ever a guy you would expect to be boring, it would be someone who immerses himself in the analysis and study of large volumes of data. But, I paid over $300 for a one-day course taught by Edward Tufte here in Austin and it was worth every penny. He was interesting!

So, for all you smart people out there who do not want to pay for a speaking coach, take a speaking class, or join a Toastmasters club, here are a few tips that may help you raise the interest level of your presentations a few notches:

Say something funny.

You do not have to be terribly clever to be funny. I recently witnessed an amazing transformation in a panel of big name speakers in the high-tech industry. At first, they were all very stiff, arms crossed and staring at the table cloth in front of them, answering questions one-by-one with as little personality or excitement as a cardboard box. Then, out of nowhere, one of the panelists made a moderately funny joke and got a huge laugh from the audience. After that, every time he spoke, he said something funny. For instance, when asked if he thought it was wise for a management team to groom their company for sale, he said, “Grooming your company for sale with a couple of specific buyers in mind could be risky….especially if they don’t like you.” We roared! Pretty soon, I noticed that every panelist had relaxed. Some were sitting back in their chairs; some were leaning forward using animated gestures; they were talking to each other and to us. They looked like a group of friends having a fun dinner together. It was fantastic. Humor is powerful.

Smile.

No rocket science here. If you smile, you come across as human. We think you are warm, friendly and you like us. And we like you in return.

Ask us questions.

If you want to get our attention or you feel nervous, get us involved. Ask us a question or two so that we have to momentarily reflect and consider how your question relates to our unique situations in life. If we make those connections, we instantly want to hear more. You can ask us for a show of hands (“How many of you…”), verbal input (“What is your experience when…”), or simply a rhetorical question followed by a pause to let us think about it. Besides getting us interested, it will also help calm any anxiety you may be feeling since it takes focus off of you and puts it on us.

Get to the point.

One of the hardest things for most speakers to do is cut the extraneous material from a presentation and get to the important points. This is especially hard for intellectuals who appreciate detailed information and think everyone else does, too. Remember that we do not already know the intimate details of your work and for many of us it will be the first time we are exposed to your ideas. In general, audiences will only remember one or two things you say, so you have to be careful not to muddy up those key ideas with details. Consider in advance what key things you want us to walk away remembering and then structure your presentation around that. The key ideas should be repeated consistently throughout your presentation and everything else should clearly support those ideas.

Tell us a story.

We love stories. And you have an entire life chock full of them! Relating stories to your presentation brings what you are saying to life. For instance, if you offer us advice, it is much more interesting and applicable to know the story behind your discovery of this advice than just the advice on its own. We are more likely to follow your advice if we know how it affected your life personally.

Relax.

This is easier said than done, but if you can relax your personality will shine through. If you tend to stand rock still, try relaxing your shoulders and arms so you look less stiff. Use a few arm and hand gestures. Walk to different sections of the audience so you can get closer and talk to us more directly. Put some inflection in your voice. Most importantly, breathe. On the other hand, if you tend to pace back and forth, wring your hands, or are overly expressive with repeated arm and hand gestures, that can be distracting. Focus on purposeful movement instead of random movement. Avoid clasping and wringing your hands altogether. Consider having someone videotape your next presentation and then view it yourself to see how you respond as an audience member.

These suggestions cover only a few basic skills, but they have a big impact. Once you experience the interest level rising in your audiences, you will be ready and motivated to make even bigger changes. It is addictive to be able to reach and entertain people.

Besides, if you are really smart, why would you want to give people the impression that you lack confidence? We already think you are smart and confident, so with just a little effort on your part, you could blow our socks off! We will remember you forever.

Some examples may include making a sales call, giving a public presentation, publishing an article or book, giving feedback to your staff or boss, dating, going to a networking event, championing a cause, asking for a raise, or any number of things that might improve our lives and the lives of those around us.

Many years ago, my good friend Valerie was just getting started in a sales position, something she had never done before. Running my own business, I was also trying to get comfortable selling, so we had much to share. One day, Valerie told me some captivating stories about the interesting people she was meeting and a high volume of sales she was making as a result. Most of them started with a cold call. I was impressed, so I congratulated her and asked her how she felt about the cold calls. She said, “I just decided it was a lot more work avoiding the call than making it.”

That was one of those off-hand comments that will change your life if you are listening. She was telling me that it was less comfortable inside the comfort zone than outside! I understood immediately. It is a constant worry knowing that you need to make the call and never actually making it. You tell yourself everyday that you should be making that call. You feel like a failure for not doing it. You know you could be making a lot more money if you would just pick up the phone. But it makes your heart race and puts a knot in your stomach, so you find other things to do instead. You let it take up space in your head indefinitely. It really is so much more work to avoid the call.

I had a similar experience with public speaking. I spent almost twenty years suffering from a fear of it. I was unable to give a thank you toast at the rehearsal dinner the night before my wedding. I endured tremendous anxiety every time I had to give a presentation at work. I almost never raised my hand to ask a question in a classroom or as an audience member at a seminar or conference, despite wanting the answer. Living with this fear was constricting and frustrating.

Once I finally decided to face my fear of public speaking with that bull-headed determination we sometimes get when we are sick or angry about something, it took me exactly four months to get over it. Twenty years versus four months. Which one do you think was harder? Today, I teach people how to be fearless speaking in public because I don’t want anyone wasting all that precious time that I did fretting in the comfort zone.

What about you? Is there something you are putting off because you think it is easier in the comfort zone? Take your own reality check by answering the following questions:

• What have you been putting off that you really need or want to do?
• What is it costing you to continue putting it off?
• How often do you think about it, worry about it, or feel guilty about it?
• Estimate the amount of time and energy you have invested and will continue to invest thinking about it and avoiding it.
• Estimate the amount of time and energy you would have to invest to just do it and compare it to the previous estimate.
• What might you gain by doing it?
• How would you feel about yourself and your life if you do it?
• What is the first step you need to take?

Congratulations to those of you who have discovered that the comfort zone is not as comfortable as you thought. You are on your way to becoming a better leader and having a better life.

As you venture out of your comfort zone and have stories you would like to share, send them to info@soverex.com.

The slide deck also tends to be used as a crutch for people who experience some public speaking anxiety. It’s a great way to avoid looking at, or interacting with, the audience. Unfortunately, it’s also boring. So, what do you do instead?

First, change your outlook:

YOU are your presentation, not your slide deck.

I know that’s scary for some of you, but your presentation will be significantly more interesting for both you and your audience. If you are more interested in your presentation, your anxiety will lessen.

Here are a few tips to use slide decks to your advantage:

First, before you even open your slide deck application (Power Point, Keynote, etc.), craft a  message that you want to deliver to your audience. What is it you want them to walk away remembering? Make the message simple and clear.

Next, consider whether or not you need a slide deck at all. If your presentation is short and your message simple, you may not need it. Otherwise, use these guidelines in creating your slide deck as a support tool:

• Use images instead of text to represent a concept
• Use graphs and charts to simplify and clarify data
• The only time you should use full sentences on your slide is for a great quote. In that case, put it on a slide all by itself, centered vertically and horizontally.
• Bullet points are useful, but keep them short (1-3 words) and minimize the number per page – use a lot of white space. Bullets are useful for outlining the agenda or to list a few points you want the audience (or yourself) to remember.
• Your slide deck is a great tool for structuring your presentation and keeping you focused. This includes setting expectations with an agenda, topic transitions (a slide that lists the next agenda topic and nothing else), and what I call reminder slides. For example, if I have 5 points I want to make on a specific agenda topic, I may use 5 slides that each have a great graphic image related to the point and the point itself is the slide header.

Now, what about you? If you are the presentation, not your slide deck, then how do you use this great support tool you’ve created? First and foremost, always face the audience. Spend your time talking to the audience, not your slide deck. Don’t even look at your slide deck (another crutch people tend to use – constantly glancing at the slide deck) until you need to reference the information. When referencing your slide deck, step back and to the side (still facing your audience), then reference the particular item in the slide with an outstretched arm or with your pointer. When finished with the reference, step forward again to put audience focus back on yourself.

Keep this in mind as well…if you have busy slides, your audience will likely spend time reading or trying to figure out the slides instead of listening to your words. You will split their attention between you and the slides and your message may be lost.

If you find yourself reading your slides or hiding yourself from the audience altogether, these are great clues that it’s time for a strategy change.

One of my clients asked me recently, “Do you have any canned or impromptu openers, intros, etc. for meetings or other gatherings?”

My answer: I wouldn’t say I have something “canned,” but I do have certain things I like to start with such as:

• a story
• a question relating to the topic
• a series of questions leading to a punch line
• just about anything other than introducing myself in the usual boring fashion

When you open a presentation or speech with company or personal bio information,
it is not only uninteresting for the audience, but it also tends to make you more nervous and stiff. You really want a powerful opening that makes you feel natural, energized, and connected with your audience. You want to draw the audience in immediately, not “sometime later” in the presentation. If you make a poor first impression, you may have difficulty changing that impression during the course of your presentation. You also make it more challenging for yourself to feel present and confident. I find it easier to start that way than try to build up to it.

It is also important to note that people tend to remember what you say first and what you say last, rather than what you say in the middle. Let’s say you choose to open with a question and have the audience provide answers. A great closing would be to reference the question and answers you and the audience discussed at the beginning and provide some closure to that discussion. Or perhaps you start with a story and then end or continue that same story at the end. Bringing a presentation full circle from an opening point and back to that same point in closing leaves a strong impression on your audience.

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Be Fearless!

So please look around, sign up, and start your discussions on Becoming Fearless! Thank you for your continued support, and I look forward to seeing you at an upcoming event.

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I thought, “Well, at least her quiet response should encourage the other woman to speak more softly.” I was wrong. She continued firing off very loud questions, most of which seemed rather personal and inappropriate to me. Of course, I did not know the purpose of the interview. I suppose if she was interviewing to be a nanny or join a Big Sisters program, questions about her childhood and family might make sense. Regardless, I am confident that every person in the coffee shop could hear the questions and no one but the interviewer could hear the answers. Occasionally, the loud woman would laugh and offer some very personal information of her own for the rest of us to enjoy. I do not think the interviewee laughed once.

I imagine both of these ladies are smart, interesting, competent women, but this was not my impression from observing their behavior. The loud woman clearly wanted everyone within hearing distance to believe she was in a position of power, and she seemed to have no concern for those around her. Not someone I would want to work for. The other seemed timid and lacking in self-confidence. Not someone I would want working for me.

Most of us have been in the positions of interviewer and interviewee at different times in our lives. Most of us do not care for either one. However, if approached properly, either position provides an opportunity to exhibit attractive and impressive leadership skills.

Interviewer

As an interviewer, you should have two primary goals: to determine if the interview candidate is a good fit for the position and to get the candidate excited about the opportunity. If you utilize intimidation tactics or have an overwhelming desire to promote your own importance, then neither of these goals will be achieved adequately.

• A true leader is not self-promoting. A true leader will:
• Focus on the interview candidate rather than herself
• Be respectful, friendly, and professional
• Show interest and actively listen to the candidate
• Use open-ended questions
• Allow time for the candidate to ask questions
• Let the candidate know what to expect next

At the beginning of an interview, it is of course important to let the candidate know who you are and what you do for the organization. It is also important to tell her about the organization and the position for which she is interviewing. However, keep it brief and to the point. I have been on interviews where the interviewer did all the talking and then offered me the job. Although the interview was easy, it did not give me confidence that I would be working with competent people. It actually made the job less attractive knowing the hiring process would not filter out people who were a poor fit for their position.

It may also be necessary to engage in some pre-interview chit-chat if the candidate seems nervous. Sit out in the open with her or on the same side of the desk or table so there is no barrier between you. If you can put the candidate at ease, you will get more useful information from her because she will be more talkative and less guarded in her answers. In addition, she will like you more and therefore have a positive impression of both you and the company. Great start toward achieving your two primary goals.

Make sure you have a reasonable amount of privacy. It is hard enough on a candidate to interview one-on-one without worrying about random people judging her answers. Besides, you never know who might be at the coffee shop. If your interview candidate is interviewing without the knowledge of her manager, then the last thing she will want to do is advertise the interview.

Have a written list of open-ended questions you want to ask, but then actively listen to the answers. If you are busy taking notes, you may miss important clues about the candidate’s qualifications. The answers may also lead you to better questions. You can always refer to your list again for the next question or to jot down a few notes after you have exhausted a certain subject. Often I find that I already covered my list of questions just talking informally with my candidate.

Make sure you allow the candidate time to ask questions as well. If a candidate does not ask questions at all, it could be a sign that they are unprepared, dispassionate or unknowledgeable about the position.

Finally, make sure you let the candidate know what to expect next and in what timeframe. A true leader will follow up whether or not a job offer is extended. It is courteous to let candidates know that the job is no longer open to them and why.

Interviewee

As the interview candidate, it is important to remember that an interview is a two-way process. Most people think that the interviewer has the upper hand because they have the “job” to offer. However, the “job” is irrelevant without the right person to fill it. You bring that to the table. The interviewer’s goal is to determine if you are right for the job and your goal is to determine if the job is right for you. You can just as easily accept or reject a job as the interviewer can offer or withhold one.

So, adjust your attitude to an exploratory one. You already know you are good at what you do. You do not need an interviewer’s approval to justify that. You also know there is a high probability that this is not the right job for you. You may not like the culture or the people who interview you. You may find out there is no room for advancement. You may discover that you have to travel too much. You may decide the job will be too challenging or not challenging enough. The pay range may be too low. Most people have to go on several interviews in order to find the one that is a perfect fit. Look at it like marriage; very few people marry the first person they date!

A leader in an interviewee role will:

• not be intimidated by a condescending or inconsiderate interviewer
• exhibit confidence, respect, and a friendly, professional demeanor
• be prepared
• ask direct, pertinent, and open-ended questions
• find out what the next steps are and in what timeframe
• not take it personally if a job offer is not extended

In the case of the coffee shop interview, I would have expected the interviewee to either sit up confidently and answer the questions with enthusiasm or ask the interviewer directly if they could move to a more private spot. NEVER cross your arms or slouch in an interview. Even if you are cold, it is better to tell the interviewer you are cold rather than crossing your arms and risk them thinking you are defensive or closed off.

The interviewee should be as inquisitive as the interviewer. You need just as much information as they do, so you can determine if this is a place you would enjoy working. Researching the company and management team in advance will help you generate a list of questions to bring to the interview. Practice asking and answering interview questions before the interview so you are less likely to stumble over your words in person. Even if you decide you do not want the job, you still want to put your best foot forward. You never know where you will run into this person again.

At the end of the interview, find out what you should expect next. Confirm when you will hear back from the interviewer and ask for her contact information. Send a thank you note for the interview and if you do not hear anything in the specified timeframe, call to get an update. You deserve closure if they decide not to extend an offer.

Finally, should the job offer not be extended, a confident leader will view this positively. You avoided getting stuck in the wrong job. You are one step closer to finding the perfect job. You are relieved that you still have a chance to find an opportunity where your talents are recognized and valued.

In summary, whether the interviewer or interviewee, be yourself; be confident; and understand your purpose in the interview. Your leadership skills will shine.

Let’s not underestimate the power of laughter. Laughter opens our minds and helps us tap into our creativity. Laughter helps us cope with the difficult challenges we face in life. Laughter helps us to be more tolerant and accepting of one another. Frankly, I like hanging out with people who make me laugh. Even better, I like hanging out with people who will laugh at my stupid jokes and stories. How about you?

In that long list of admirable leadership traits, I place humor right at the top. I believe great leaders see humor in life and enjoy themselves. I believe they make sure the people around them are having fun while they change the world together. And I believe they can poke fun at themselves.

Along those lines, I want to share a humorous story with you at my expense, for no other reason than to give you a chuckle today…

I have been working on an informative but entertaining keynote speech about technology, a perfect topic for me as I spent 18+ years working in the high-tech industry. I told my husband, Jim, that if he ran across any good technology articles to send them my way. At the same time I was working on this speech, I was also trying to figure out the new Mac my husband bought and set up for me. I spent several days learning the best way to import video from my digital camera, manipulate the video, and create a professional-looking DVD. I cursed a few times in the process.

Up against a deadline, but now prepared with a working knowledge of the Mac, I sat down to create some DVDs for a client. I imported the video from my camera successfully, but when I tried to play the video on the Mac I could not get sound. I checked the volume and made sure everything was connected properly, but still no sound. I was already a little frustrated with it from my learning session, and I was impatient because of my deadline, so I vented through a chat message to my husband at work.

I typed, “I need your help. This Mac is driving me crazy! I can see my video, but cannot hear it. Volume is up, mute is off, and everything is plugged in. What am I doing wrong? Why is this so hard???”

He typed back, “Did you turn the speakers on?”

I just groaned and felt ridiculous bothering him. He decided I needed further taunting, though, so he continued typing:

“It’s the little round button on the receiver.”

“There is a little light that will come on when you push the button.”

“Sound will then come out of the speakers.”

I typed back, “Ha-ha, ok. I got it. Thanks.”

I turned on the speakers and created my DVDs. An hour or so later, I returned to my laptop to continue working on my technology article. A few minutes later I received an email from my husband telling me he found a great article for my technology speech and attached it to the email. Excitedly, I opened the email attachment and found a copy of the transcript from our chat session.

Have a great day, everyone. See if you can make someone laugh today.

All good project managers know that in order to execute a successful project you must properly negotiate and manage the Project Management Triangle or triple constraints known as scope, time, and cost. But what do you do when your customer or upper management team has unrealistic expectations and will not negotiate? What do you do if they threaten your job, your position, or to take the project away?

The worst thing you can do is agree to something you know is impossible. You are only delaying the inevitable and setting up your entire project team, company, and customer for failure. It is your job to plan for success, not failure, and that may mean taking a difficult stand. If you can carry this out with tact and a cooperative attitude, you will be more likely to survive the threats, execute a successful project and ultimately gain a great deal of respect.

An example

I spent several weeks with my customer, defining and prioritizing requirements for the consumer-based product they wanted our company to create. Afterward, I worked with my engineering team to analyze the requirements and map out a schedule. We came up with something slightly aggressive, but still realistic for my highly skilled team. The product would be ready to deliver in March.

The customer found this completely unacceptable and demanded that we deliver in time for the December gift-giving season. I told them that this was certainly possible if we drop a few of the less critical features, but they insisted that they had to have it all. They suggested I hire more people, to which I explained that adding more engineers at this point would not shorten the cycle, much like adding more women will not shorten a pregnancy. We would either have to modify the requirements or extend the delivery date. The customer threatened to give the project to a competitor.

Internally, I began taking heat from my CEO, a few of the other executives, and our sales team. It was made clear to me that I was expected to tell the customer what they wanted to hear so we would not lose the deal. I refused to misrepresent what we could do. Instead, I offered the customer full visibility into our operations so they would know the state of the project at any given time and have the assurance that our team was working as productively and efficiently as possible. The customer found this reassuring and agreed.

We worked very closely with the customer, keeping them abreast of our progress and any unexpected problems that surfaced. Initially they were impatient, still pushing for a December release, but they were impressed with our level of expertise and dedication to the project. Seeing everything up close also made them aware of the true complexity of the project. By late November, the customer had finally accepted the idea of a post-December release and was even excited about the progress that was being made.

Nearing the final release date, I was pleasantly surprised (shocked, really) on a conference call one day when a member of my customer’s team said, “I don’t know why we didn’t just listen to Tonja from the beginning. She told us all along that we would deliver in March and here we are delivering in March. We would have saved ourselves a lot of time, money, and anxiety if we had just listened to her.”

There are so many more things that could have gone wrong on this project. I could have given in to the pressure to “promise” a December date and the customer could have written a penalty fee into the contract for failure to deliver. The customer could have chosen a different company to create their product because that company was saying what the customer wanted to hear.

But I have learned time after time that it is better to be honest and stand up to the pressure of unrealistic demands. As with this customer, they may have been annoyed with me at first, but in the long run I won their respect and trust. If you have the unique combination of integrity and talent, most people are going to recognize that you are the best bet. Even if they do not, you are better off ending that relationship and finding a new customer who allows you to plan a project for success.

Here are a few tips to help you approach someone with unrealistic expectations.

Clearly explain the facts and provide alternatives

Most of the time, you can convince someone that their demands are unrealistic by simply showing and explaining the facts and options to them. If they have choices, they are more likely to feel they have control over the situation and believe that you are trying to cooperate to find a solution rather than simply being a roadblock.

For example, let’s say you have been given a set of requirements, a budget, and a deadline that you know is not a realistic combination. Instead of whining about it and telling them “it can’t be done,” offer some alternatives. Perhaps by dropping or changing a few requirements, hiring another contractor, or extending the deadline, the project can be completed successfully. Often there is one aspect of the project for which your customer or manager is not willing to compromise, but the others will become negotiable if it means hitting that target.

Promise what you can deliver and deliver what you promise

Lay everything on the table and most business people will respond rationally, working with you to find a reasonable solution. But in the absence of that rationale, protect yourself, your team, and your company by resisting promises that will likely be broken, and then do your best to deliver something better than what you did promise.

Keep communication flowing

Most importantly, keep communication flowing. This has a bonding effect that gets disparate groups of people working together toward your common project goals, a perfect recipe for success. Hiding information, being a “yes” person, and leaving people with misperceptions about the project will drive a wedge between various parties, making failure a much more likely outcome.

Here are three simple steps to getting what you want from others:

Communicate What You Want

If there is something you want, you have to communicate it in a clear and direct manner, because no one can read your mind. The concept seems quite obvious, and yet it is often hard to do. We tend to make assumptions about what other people think, know or are willing to do and quite frankly, we are usually wrong. Let me tell you a story to illustrate this point.

This story comes from a book called the Abilene Paradox by Jerry Harvey. It is paraphrased for the sake of space. Jerry and his wife were spending a long weekend with his wife’s parents in a little country town called Coleman, Texas. It was a hot, Sunday afternoon at 104 degrees, but sitting in the shade on the front porch under a fan, drinking cold lemonade, it was actually a very pleasant day. All four of them were enjoying themselves and looking forward to a nice leisurely dinner at home. But then Jerry’s father-in-law thought, “These kids are from the city. I bet they are bored out here in the country. We should do something to entertain them.” So he said, “Why don’t we drive in to Abilene for dinner tonight?” Abilene was 55 miles away and the car had no air conditioning. No one thought this was a good idea.

But Jerry’s wife, wanting to make her father happy said, “Oh, Daddy, that’s a great idea! I’d love to do that. What do you think, Jerry?” Inwardly Jerry groaned, but he knew better than to disagree with his wife AND his father-in-law. So he said, “That sounds great; as long as your mother wants to go.” He was secretly hoping his mother-in-law would put her foot down to this nonsense. But his mother-in-law felt pressured by everyone’s enthusiasm, so she reluctantly agreed and the four of them set off. They returned four hours later, hot, sticky, and covered with dust. None of them had a good time.

Had even one person in this group stated their true preference, then they could have stayed home and enjoyed the evening in the fashion they all desired.

This kind of misunderstanding happens frequently; especially in group settings. People make poor business decisions, give up things they want, and do things they do not want to do simply because they choose not to state their mind.

If you want something, communicate it. It may take practice in order for you to get comfortable with this approach, so try it right now. Take out a piece of paper and write:

Interest Them with Outcomes

The next step is to interest the other person with outcomes. In other words, explain how helping you will actually benefit them. Think in terms of “results” that the other person would desire. I will share with you how this works in my household.

My husband loves tools. Every time we go to Home Depot, he is drawn like a magnet to the Tool section. He will buy a new tool and then figure out some project that can be done around the house using that tool. This would not bother me, except that he wants me to help him. This is his idea of a fun weekend. Personally, I can think of much more interesting things to do. I’d rather go to a party with my friends; attend an afternoon matinee; read a book; take my dogs to the lake….basically, anything that does not require manual labor.

And yet my husband has convinced me to help him with every project he has undertaken. He is the King of getting me to do things I do not want to do by interesting me with outcomes. Here is an example:

One weekend he bought a circular table saw and said, “Let’s build some shelves.” I responded, “Why don’t you build some shelves and I’ll read this new book I bought?” He plucked the book out of my hand and asked, “How about seasonal shelves for your closet?”

Well, that got my attention! “Tell me more,” I said, feeling a little excitement despite my best efforts to remain uninterested. So he brought me in the closet and showed me three different walls where the shelves could hang, near the ceiling. He said, “We can put all of your out-of-season clothes on these new shelves; then the rest of your clothes won’t be crammed in here. You can actually spread them out and see them. We can also put this mass of shoes you hardly ever wear on one set of shelves. We will get a folding step ladder so you can reach those shelves when you need to. We can even buy matching wooden hangers and get rid of all these awful looking plastic and wire hangers.” I could clearly see this beautiful closet he was describing and I decided I must have it.

I spent the next three weekends sawing, sanding, hammering, painting, caulking, and lifting heavy things. It was worth every minute. My closet is like Heaven now. I walk in every morning and adore all that space and how organized and clean everything looks.

You can do the same thing to get someone’s cooperation. You just have to think about what the other person cares about. Consider from their perspective how helping you could be beneficial to them. If it is all about you, then you will be hard pressed to get assistance unless it is from your kind-hearted friends who tend to give and give without getting anything in return. Most people are not that altruistic.

On that sheet of paper where you wrote down what you want and who can help you get it, now write down why they would want to help you. What could they gain from the experience?

Simplify Your Message

Finally, if you really want someone to help you, then get to the point. Don’t beat around the bush and add so much detail that you lose their interest. For example, there were at least five things of great importance to my husband regarding those shelves:

• What we were going to build
• The design and dimensions of what we were going to build
• What materials we needed to buy
• What tools we were going to use
• What steps we were going to follow to build it

How many of these things were important to share with me in order to get my interest and commitment? I was only interested in what we were building. Had he filled my ears with the other details, my eyes would have glazed over and I would have lost interest. He would have had a harder time selling me the idea.

Take another example. Let’s say you attend two seminars on healthy dieting. One instructor gives you ten steps to follow and the other gives you three. Which one are you likely to follow? The one with three steps is less overwhelming and easier to remember, so you will probably pick that one.

When you communicate, narrow in on the key point(s). Otherwise, those points may get lost in the noise.

These three steps, communicating what you want, interesting them with outcomes, and simplifying your message, may be difficult at first. However, the more you practice and work with them, the more natural they will become and the more often you will get what you want.